Building Resilience: The Importance of Letting Boys Find Their Way

One of the most important things we can do for young people is to help them develop the confidence and resilience to navigate life's challenges. As parents and educators, our instinct can often be to protect young people from disappointment, frustration and failure. We want to make things easier, resolve their worries, and ensure they feel supported. While this instinct comes from a place of care, we must also recognise that resilience is not developed by avoiding uncomfortable feelings, but by learning how to work through them.

For those of us who grew up before mobile phones (let alone smartphones!) became commonplace, the experience of growing up looked quite different. When a hand-me-down mobile phone finally arrived, text messages cost 25 cents each, and the most impressive 'app' available was the game Snake! More importantly, there was no expectation or habit of being in constant contact with friends or parents throughout the school day. This meant that young people had to make decisions, solve problems and navigate the ups and downs of school life with a degree of independence.

Miss the school bus in the morning? There was no quick message home asking for a lift, or for a solution to your problem. Instead, you checked the timetable, worked out an alternative route, spoke to a bus driver, and figured out a way to get yourself to school. Frustrated with a decision made at school, or a friendship issue during the school day? There was no immediate opportunity to contact a parent and share your version as the situation unfolded and your emotions fluctuated. You had to process the experience, decide how best to respond and seek support from a trusted adult who was present and able to help.

While these experiences were not always comfortable, they provided valuable opportunities to develop true independence, perspective and resilience. Problems had to be worked through, emotions had to be managed, and solutions had to be found. At the dinner table, the nightly question about the school day was often met with familiar teenage response, "Yeah, good." While this could certainly be frustrating for parents, it also serves as a reminder that not every experience needs to be relived, resolved or reported at home. Sometimes, the most valuable growth happens when young people are given the space the navigate their own experiences, knowing that support is available when they need it.

Today, technology offers young people and families many benefits, particularly when it comes to communication and safety. However, the ability to contact a parent instantly, at any time and from almost anywhere, can also change how young people respond to everyday challenges. There is a risk that, rather than attempting to resolve a problem themselves, boys default to outsourcing their problems and feelings to the adults in their lives. A friendship disagreement can quickly become a series of messages seeking reassurance, a frustrating interaction with a teacher can prompt immediate intervention from a parent, and an uncomfortable feeling can be something to escape or co-regulate rather than work through independently.

We encourage parents to think carefully about the level of access and intervention smartphones provide, and to resist the urge to solve every problem remotely. This is not about being unavailable when a child genuinely needs help, nor is it about dismissing their feelings. Rather, it is about allowing boys the time and space to process their emotions, consider their options and attempt to resolve age-appropriate difficulties before an adult steps in. There is an important distinction between allowing a young person to experience manageable discomfort and failing to recognise when they need additional support. However, not every problem needs an immediate response, and not every uncomfortable experience requires parental intervention.

Sometimes, the most valuable thing we can offer a young person is not an answer, but the opportunity and space to find one for himself. By allowing our boys to problem-solve and sit with what makes them uncomfortable, we help them develop the skills and self-belief to navigate an increasingly complex world. The adult world is full of moments that make us feel uncomfortable and challenged so our role is to ensure they are increasingly equipped to meet those difficulties with resilience, sound judgement and confidence in their own abilities.

So, what can we do to build resilience at home?

1. Pause before stepping in. When your son shares a problem, listen first rather than immediately offering a solution or seeking to solve it yourself.
2. Let natural consequences do their work. Where it is safe and appropriate, allow him to experience the consequences of forgetting equipment, leaving a task until the last minute or failing to plan ahead. Resist the temptation to rescue him from every inconvenience.
3. Allow uncomfortable feelings. Disappointment, frustration, embarrassment and uncertainty are normal parts of life. Acknowledge these feelings without rushing to make them disappear.
4. Set healthy boundaries around smartphones. Avoid using constant messaging to monitor or resolve every difficulty throughout the school day. Establish clear expectations about when contact is necessary and encourage your son to manage ordinary school-day challenges independently. If in doubt, contact an adult at the College who can directly assist your son while he is at school.

Ultimately, building resilience is an act of trust: trusting our boys to learn, make mistakes, and discover that they are more capable than they sometimes realise. We can offer guidance, wisdom and a safe place to return to, while allowing them the space to find their own way.

Ms Emer Hickey

Deputy Principal – Pastoral Care